


The One That Got Away

by ChameleonCircuit



Series: Moving On [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Heartache, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-24
Updated: 2018-01-24
Packaged: 2019-03-09 02:12:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13471494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: Sonny let himself slip out of Rafael’s grasp, away from those deep green eyes that would forever haunt his dreams; away from what could have been, once upon a time, if only he hadn’t been too scared and too stupid to chase after what he wanted.





	The One That Got Away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rynewind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rynewind/gifts).



> This is for rynewind. I hope this is even remotely what you imagined you wanted from this.
> 
> Thanks to tobeconspicuous for being my beta, and to Astronaut_Milky for your continued support always.
> 
> Inspired by [this scene](https://youtu.be/k7625uofITY?t=3m54s) in Company.

Sonny released a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding as he stepped into Forlini’s and blue eyes met green from across the room.

 

Rafael looked beautiful. He was smiling warmly at him over the top of his glass before downing the rest of its contents in one smooth action. Sonny watched his adam's apple bob up and down, swallowing hard himself as his eyes traced the movement.

 

He gestured at the bar, making his way over once Rafael had nodded, glass raised, and ordered himself a beer and Rafael another round of scotch.

 

As he settled into the booth across from his former colleague, their knees bumping lightly, Sonny felt his stomach begin to flutter in earnest. It felt like a lifetime, and yet no time at all, since he’d last seen those emerald gems aimed at him. It made his heart hammer so painfully against his ribcage he thought it might burst out completely.

 

“How original, meeting here,” Sonny said dryly, willing his heart to slow down lest it betray his true feelings.

 

“You didn’t have to agree to meet if you didn’t want to,” Rafael said with an eye roll as he picked up his glass, but his fond smile gave him away.

 

Sonny smiled back. How could he not?

 

“I wanted to, Raf,” he said gently, face softening despite his attempts to keep his expression neutral and indifferent. He was never very good at hiding the way he felt.

 

“Did you?”

 

“Of course. It’s been too long.”

 

“It’s not been that long,” Rafael said with a laugh before taking a sip of his drink, prompting Sonny to do the same.

 

Sonny just breathed out a laugh and shrugged, averting his eyes. “Yeah, well…” He trailed off, taking another sip of his beer.

 

“You know, I miss Manhattan,” Rafael mused, resting his hands on the table close to Sonny’s.

 

“Could always come back,” Sonny smirked.

 

Rafael laughed, the sound muffled by the dip of his head as he shook it. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

 

“I would,” Sonny said in a rushed breath, words leaving his lips before he could think about how open and earnest they were.

 

Rafael’s head slowly came up, and Sonny met his eyes with a shy smile which he returned, barely resisting the urge to reach out and take the other man’s hand. They just sat there, smiling softly at each other for a small moment, barely moving. 

 

Sonny felt a sense of calm wash over him as he realised it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if he wore his heart on his sleeve, or if he said exactly what was on his mind. Not like it did with other people. Rafael could read him like an open book anyway. They’d been together for almost two years, and despite that, Sonny still considered him a friend. He had nothing to hide.

 

“I always thought--” Rafael started quietly, voice a little rough around the edges before he cleared it. Sonny saw a sense of vulnerability creep into Rafael’s expression before he continued. “I always thought I’d come to Manhattan, sleep with a bunch of rich people, have a lot of fun, then eventually I’d get the promotion I was fighting for, calm down, and get married.”

 

“Why didn’t you ask me, then?” Sonny asked, aimed for teasing but sounding far too sincere, even to his own ears, for it to pass.

 

“What?” Rafael’s drink paused on its way to his mouth before he lowered it, eyes going wide. Then, before Sonny could say anything, he let out a small breath of laughter, a teasing look in his eye. “You want to marry me?”

 

Sonny’s breath caught in his throat. Any witty retort or joke he could think of died on his lips, and the pounding in his heart returned as his stomach swooped. He tried to think of something to say, but all his brain could supply was a resounding, painfully loud  _ yes!  _ All he could do was try to calm himself down, swallow the emotions bubbling up inside him, and smile. He was sure it came across as more of a grimace.

 

Rafael’s smirk slipped, his eyes widening once again as realisation dawned on him. “Don’t be ridiculous,” he muttered, but there was no bite to it. He just continued to look shocked.

 

“I’m…I did,” Sonny admitted quietly, voice barely above a whisper. “I just didn’t think you wanted that. That you’d ever want that.”

 

“What?” Rafael repeated, brow furrowing as he leant forward to look Sonny dead in the eye.

 

“I didn’t think you’d want that with me,” he clarified, smiling sadly.

 

“You’re an idiot,” Rafael whispered, voice cracking, barely audible above the hubbub around them.

 

“Wha--”

 

“I would have,” Rafael said, louder this time, voice trembling just a little. “I didn’t think you wanted that with  _ me _ . I thought you wanted a wife and a two-storey suburban house with a white picket fence and 2.5 kids and a dog.”

 

“What?” Sonny laughed, unable to contain it.

 

“I thought…Seriously?” Rafael laughed too, both sounding a little hysterical for a moment before Sonny reached for his hand, linking their fingers as something akin to hope blossomed in his chest, warming him from the inside out.

 

“You mean to say, all that time…” He trailed off, glancing down at their entwined hands as Rafael gave his hand a little squeeze before letting go. “Wow.”

 

“Indeed,” Rafael hummed, resting forward on his elbows, eyes gleaming in the light.

 

“You invite me here to propose?” Sonny teased, leaning forward, feeling suddenly overwhelmed with how familiar everything felt.

 

Rafael looked soft, and warm, and gentle, and so full of a love that Sonny had never noticed in him before. It startled him and comforted him in equal measures. It looked so right and so at home in those usually sharp, calculating eyes, and he felt instantly foolish for thinking Rafael would want anything less than someone to love, and to love him.

 

All this wasted time, thinking they didn’t want each other, and here they were with a second chance. It was almost too much. He couldn’t stop his grin, even if he tried.

 

“No,” Rafael said with a small laugh, picking up his glass to take a sip, looking into its depths. “I invited you here to tell you I’m getting married, actually.”

 

Sonny instantly felt as though he’d been doused in cold water. He could feel the shiver run across his entire body, muscles trembling and skin prickling, his breath catching as his chest constricted. He tried to speak, but he choked on the taste of bile that was suddenly rising in his throat, and swallowed hard.

 

“To who?” He croaked, taking a quick sip of beer as he felt his cheeks warm up at his own transparency.

 

“Trevor.” 

 

Sonny hated the way Rafael said his name, the way his face softened just slightly, as though it was the best thing he could be saying. He hated the way Rafael’s eyes glistened, his expression open and earnest in a way he’d rarely seen before. But mostly, he hated the fact that he hated Rafael’s obvious happiness.

 

“I thought…You mean that friend you met through the Lieu?”

 

“Yeah,” Rafael breathed out, like the thought alone made him giddy.

 

“That was quick,” Sonny muttered, fiddling with the label on his beer, unable to meet Rafael’s eyes.

 

“I’m in love,” he stated simply, softly, almost the way he spoke to a victim or a witness he felt particularly sorry for.

 

Sonny took a deep breath in, lifting his gaze to meet Rafael’s tentative one, and smiled. He dredged up every bit of affection he had for Rafael, and he forced it into that one smile, hoping it looked genuine enough.

 

“It caught me unawares, but he’s everything I could have asked for, Sonny. I’ve wanted to introduce the two of you, but all three of our work schedules are constantly conflicting,” he explained with a small laugh, hand brushing Sonny’s just lightly before he reached for his phone sitting nearby on the table. “He’s coming by in about an hour, if you want to stick around?”

 

Sonny was sure he’d never felt pain like this. He had broken bones, had his face thrown through a plate glass window, been beaten up countless times, and even been shot recently, in the line of duty, but none of that really seemed to compare to the pain he felt now. It felt like acid was running through his veins, taking his heart in a vice grip, twisting and turning through his stomach, up his throat, burning, ripping, tearing.

 

He’d always loved Rafael, and being his friend had been enough. Being his friend had seemed easier, if he was being completely honest. He’d never let himself hope, never let himself dream, until Rafael confessed he would have married him. And for just a brief moment, that hope was everything, before the world was ripped out from underneath him, and he was left floating.

 

“Sonny?” Rafael asked, tilting his head a little, brow furrowing in concern once more.

 

“Nah, I promised Amanda I’d swing by with dinner, seeing as she lives near here,” he lied easily, downing the rest of his drink so fast he nearly choked.

 

“Of course,” Rafael said softly, standing when Sonny did. “Come to the wedding?”

 

Before he could answer, Rafael pulled Sonny into a hug, tight and close and far too personal. But then, they’d always struggled with boundaries, even before they were friends, and far before they were lovers. He clung on a little too tight, a little too eager, burying his head into Rafael’s neck just slightly as he took a deep breath in, feeling almost as though it would be the last time he would get to smell is favourite cologne.

 

He felt tears sting his eyes, and he squeezed Rafael just a little bit tighter, relishing in the way the other man matched his grip, a gentle hand running up and down his back, like he knew and was vainly trying to ease some of the pain.

 

“Send me an invite,” Sonny whispered into Rafael’s hair, grateful that his voice didn’t shake as he pulled away, offering the biggest smile he could muster.

 

“Of course.”

 

Reluctantly, Sonny let himself slip out of Rafael’s grasp, away from those deep green eyes that would forever haunt his dreams; away from what could have been, once upon a time, if only he hadn’t been too scared and too stupid to chase after what he wanted. He let himself slip away from the warmth of the bar -- of Rafael -- and out into the cool Fall air, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat.

 

_ The one that got away,  _ he thought to himself bitterly as he hailed a cab.


End file.
